ang_chobibo

When I need to meditate and forget my life’s worries, I go to my beloved campus in Diliman. It brings serenity in my heart when I feel like it will burst with so much ache and disappointment. Last Saturday, I indulged myself and bought 3 books in the [best-ever-no-one-can-match-it-all-my-favorite-authors-are-there] bookstore by the SC. I spent about 2 and a half hours visiting Maria Luna with one of my best gels, Abby. My UP reprieve will not be complete without passing by the parish church (where I’ll be married in the future). As we are walking towards the magnificent circular piece of architecture (naks!) there was an old man singing. As we got closer, I realized it was “…ikaw lamang ang pangakong mahalin…sa sumpang sa’yo magpakailanpaman…yakapin mo, bawat sandali…” and I got excited thinking there might be a wedding underway! Lo and behold! There was. And it was not an ordinary wedding, it was a a lovely couple’s 50th wedding anniversary where they renew their vows infront of family and friends. We arrived at the photo op part and it was regrettable not to hear them when they were saying or rather re-stating the vows they made to each other 50yrs ago. It was a touching moment. Photo op were friends whose hair are as gray as theirs. Their entourage was also old school. Most of the guests were in Barong and mega-dresses. It was a sight to see!
I suddenly found myself with tears in my eyes. This I believe is for several reasons.

First, I am back in UP, sometimes when I’m too “into” the moment, UP memories bring tears to my eyes. Second, heck! This is my wedding church in the future, I can just see myself and my groom with our beloved families having the phot op! Haha! Third, is I am just too emotionally spent with thinking about matters at home, financial or otherwise. Fourth, I look at my life and realize that there is so much I want to do, that I could be doing but had always been pushed back because of this and that. I believe, I really need to look out for myself more. I realized that my family and my closest friends always expect me to be strong. Mel has always been the dependable one, the one we can turn to. But what if the dependable one breaks down and wallows in self-pity? Who takes care of her then?

I am in rant mode. I am in my-birthday-is-near-I-want-to-be-emotional mode. I am in by-January-I-will-be-the-only-single-sibling-left mode. I am in sometimes-it-gets-too-much-to-handle mode. I am in when-is-it-my-time mode. I am in thank-God-I-know-I’m-never-alone-but-I-tend-to-overthink-sometimes mode.

Yeesh. What a lot of modes. I really need a breather. I think I need to be near the ocean too. That would be soooooooo nice.