ang_chobibo

When all else fails, I find my solace in music.

blanko. andami palang espasyo sa utak ko pag huminto ako sa kakaisip ng ilang piling bagay. parang isang computer na maraming “programs” na natakbo sa background, ganun din pala ang utak ko. dahil dito, napagtanto ko na ang dami ko pa palang “brain” width na pede pang gamitin sa ibang bagay.

hmmmm…interesante.

1st Set:
Magasin. Walang Nagbago. Maling Akala. Maskara. Poorman’s Grave. Waiting for the Bus. Huwag Mo Nang Itanong (Marcus). Slow Mo/Alkohol/Insomnia (Raimund). Torpedo.

2nd Set:
Julie Tearjerky. Tikman. Wishing Wells. Fine Time. Pare Ko. Kailan. Back2me. Trip To Jerusalem. Spolarium. Overdrive. Superproxy (”Mabuhay si Francis!”). Minsan. Alapaap. Kaleidoscope World. Ang Huling El Bimbo.

Encore:
Ligaya. Sembreak. Toyang.

Their final bow brought tears to my eyes. It was the closure I needed. It marked the end of an era. From Zambales straight to MOA, I literally went through a lot before March 7. It was all worth it. Wish all my brothers were there with me. They would have felt the same way. It was the greatest concert event in my life.

Thank you for the music.

The wedding of my beloved Kuya Vlad and Ate Ey last January 24 made me realize that it is crunch time. I have a list of all the places I want to see and things to do and I feel that time is not on my side. My cousin Epol suggested that I relax and spend the 1st half of the year chilling and not making any plans whatsoever about next year’s “event”. That made me relax, a little.

This March, I will experience Iloilo and Guimaras. In July, I will experience Boracay. Before the year ends, I will see Zambales and Palawan as well. They are in my itenerary. So townfolks, WATCH OUT. Haha.

After 3 years, I realized I write again about being wasted. Er…I mean, wanting to be wasted. I haven’t made much progress in the alcoholism department in the last 3yrs. True, I had the opportunity to try cocktails, beer and other concoction in different situations and venues but my blasted heart just won’t keep still after my half bottle or small glass. And according to http://allergies.about.com/od/faq/f/alcoholallergy.htm, I might have an enzyme-deficiency or what is commonly known as Asian Flush: “Aldehyde dehydrogenase is an enzyme that helps break down alcohol after it is consumed. A deficiency of this enzyme can result in flushing reactions after consuming alcohol. This may include nausea and rapid heart rate. Such reactions can be confused for an allergic reaction, but they are actually more often due to this enzyme deficiency, which is most common in people of Asian descent.”

And you know what the workaround is? Not to drink at all! But I’m making plans now. I want to experience wasted. I will be somewhere near a hospital, I promise. Haha.

I will see the Philippines. I will be wasted. I will. You’ll see.

Great theme for this year’s UP Fair. Went to the Tuesday fair sponsored by a frat based in Eng’g. It was dubbed Rockultura 2009. Revive. Revolt. Rock. Arrived at the Sunken Garden at 10pm, the concert was in full swing. Overwhelmed by nostalgia and deja vu, I looked around.

Stage–more bongga, more lights and technical team was rockin’ all throughout the performances. Food booths–almost the same, I was surprised to see Italianni’s though , not just one but 2 Italianni’s booths, mind you. Henna tattoo booths–mulitplied. Got my hand dragon in a booth named “Put A Henna Mo”, catchy isn’t it? Haha. The Ferris Wheel looked so much safer. Gone were the open-just-an-unsteady-bar-stopper coaches. They call it the “lantern cars”. Enclosed body of metal but I didn’t ride again. No more crazy swinging Octopus, just the plain old Caterpillar. Videoke booths with blockmates singing without a care about the concert rockin’ on stage.

Looked up and saw the February full moon. Awesome. Perfect night sky for my Fair comeback. Met my sis Diana first, she just came from postgrad class. Been too long since we last saw each other. Mademoiselle Echavez arrived at 12:30ish am when Diana had to go home since she is our 26yr. old Cinderella.

Sugarfree. Itchyworms. Pupil. Ely looked healthy and “fit to play”. Got giddy thinking about their Final Set on the 7th of March. *giggle*giggle Crowd was different now. Too quiet for my liking. Too laid back. Almost everyone was sitting down when the Itchyworms played. What’s up with that? (eyebrows up) Sam and I figured it was different when we were in college a.k.a when we were younger. We were the mosh-pitters jumping up and down endlessly throughout the night screaming out the songs. Now. Totally different. A lot of people just chillin’ out (butts on the grass, like Sam and I). The 16-20yr olds had the time of their lives when Urbandub performed. Sam and I? Butts still on the grass. Laughed aloud when Sam told me that Queso was Cheese. Enjoyed the 3rd to the last amateur band, very entertaining lead vocals. Didn’t catch their name, sorry. Weirded out to Bloodshed, all they did was bang their heads like there is no tomorrow (serious neck muscles those guys have) and produced a couple of gwarping sounds. Totally left the concert when the last band Gayuma was still playing.

Checked availability to indulge in our cultural heritage from the Sarsuwela Festival. Promising performance by Dulaang UP on the last days of February. Walked from Sunken Garden to Philcoa. Talked about Sam’s very creative/fantastic/boombastic/to the highest level engkanto story.Talked about travels, about movies from Cine Europa and life. Ate breakfast at Jabee Philcoa, rode the MRT home.

I missed UP. It felt great to be back.

It’s Christmas eve and I have to report to work. That’s not what’s bothering me though it is a first. This is the first time in years that I am not as excited as the next child about the Yuletide Season. I am not my usual poster-girl-for-Christmas self. Something’s amiss. It’s very different. It’s making me edgy.

My mom will flying back home on the 31st. We’ve missed her too darn much. I’m planning street signs and tarpaulins for her. Our queen is finally coming home. She’s our homecoming queen.

I’m wondering what could be in your journal. I’ve always liked your writing style. Ridiculously sarcastic, disparagingly sharp. Very…ummmm…you! Haha.

I’m all about safety nowadays. How do you keep me safe? It’s quite obvious to me, I’m just giving you the avenue to verbalize it. I get a blank face. Argh. It’s a girl thing. It’s comparable to us knowing that you think (and we know) we are beautiful, it’s always nice to hear it too. (DUH)

How far will I go to make him not unhappy? Pardon the double negation, this is exactly what I mean. The question “how far will I go to make him happy?” does not capture what I want to ask. I guess, if it means tearing my heart (mind and soul too) to pieces and putting up a strong front, I’ll do it. Even the pretense of letting go. For humans, time heals right? I’m glad I ain’t a vampire.

I got what I wanted this Christmas (at least for the most part). I got the books that I wanted! And incidentally, I just made a new record. I almost am done reading the last book of a 4-book series. I am more than half-way through it. I started reading the 2nd book during my 1st day off from work, I finished it, finished the 3rd book and now I’m itching to go home and finish the last one too. Aside from it being a Hollywood phenomenon, the literature version is more fascinating and compelling. I have a highlighter ready while I’m reading. Wouldn’t want to miss marking the good parts. Sheesh. Feels like a college reading, but what the heck! My books, my life.

Is it the 31st yet?
Sigh.

“He felt now that he was not simply close to her, but that he did not know where he ended and she began.”

~Leo Tolstoy

When I need to meditate and forget my life’s worries, I go to my beloved campus in Diliman. It brings serenity in my heart when I feel like it will burst with so much ache and disappointment. Last Saturday, I indulged myself and bought 3 books in the [best-ever-no-one-can-match-it-all-my-favorite-authors-are-there] bookstore by the SC. I spent about 2 and a half hours visiting Maria Luna with one of my best gels, Abby. My UP reprieve will not be complete without passing by the parish church (where I’ll be married in the future). As we are walking towards the magnificent circular piece of architecture (naks!) there was an old man singing. As we got closer, I realized it was “…ikaw lamang ang pangakong mahalin…sa sumpang sa’yo magpakailanpaman…yakapin mo, bawat sandali…” and I got excited thinking there might be a wedding underway! Lo and behold! There was. And it was not an ordinary wedding, it was a a lovely couple’s 50th wedding anniversary where they renew their vows infront of family and friends. We arrived at the photo op part and it was regrettable not to hear them when they were saying or rather re-stating the vows they made to each other 50yrs ago. It was a touching moment. Photo op were friends whose hair are as gray as theirs. Their entourage was also old school. Most of the guests were in Barong and mega-dresses. It was a sight to see!
I suddenly found myself with tears in my eyes. This I believe is for several reasons.

First, I am back in UP, sometimes when I’m too “into” the moment, UP memories bring tears to my eyes. Second, heck! This is my wedding church in the future, I can just see myself and my groom with our beloved families having the phot op! Haha! Third, is I am just too emotionally spent with thinking about matters at home, financial or otherwise. Fourth, I look at my life and realize that there is so much I want to do, that I could be doing but had always been pushed back because of this and that. I believe, I really need to look out for myself more. I realized that my family and my closest friends always expect me to be strong. Mel has always been the dependable one, the one we can turn to. But what if the dependable one breaks down and wallows in self-pity? Who takes care of her then?

I am in rant mode. I am in my-birthday-is-near-I-want-to-be-emotional mode. I am in by-January-I-will-be-the-only-single-sibling-left mode. I am in sometimes-it-gets-too-much-to-handle mode. I am in when-is-it-my-time mode. I am in thank-God-I-know-I’m-never-alone-but-I-tend-to-overthink-sometimes mode.

Yeesh. What a lot of modes. I really need a breather. I think I need to be near the ocean too. That would be soooooooo nice.

When I started working, a lot of my friends had asked me why not rent an apartment along with some of them to save me travel time.I scrapped the idea and thought I’d rather go home to a noisy, lively household rather than sleep peacefully immediately after work. (I have priorities you know.) It is still the same until now. I spent 3hrs of everyday to get to work not to mention waking up earlier because of the same reason. But I don’t mind.

Then last June, my youngest brother and his family moved out of the house, followed by my second brother and his family. They still live in the same subdivision and we can see them everyday but that’s basically it. They moved out. My eldest brother goes home to his fiancee for the longest time already and just spends a few hours of either a Saturday or a Sunday with us. My third brother has been away for as long as I can remember, with his family working away in Japan. So it was just the 3 of us. Pops, Moms and myself. `twas ok, you know. We carry on.

Now another change is looming in the horizon and until now, I refused to think much thought about it because I just might start being emotional and stuff. My mama will be leaving for Japan very soon. She’ll be there a minimum of three months to a maximum of six. She’ll visit her grandson and will also be in effect be helping my sister-in-law get a job so they can save enough money and go back home for a vacation in December.

Which leaves my Papa and I alone. I mean, she’ll be missed needless to say. And now that I think about it, she really is the glue that binds our family together. We will always have each other but without her loud and powerful voice, how can we cope? She always makes sure that we know she has had enough of our antics, enough of our childishness but after a while, she’s the same. The same loving mother to all of us, wife to our father and the caring Lola to all her grandchildren.

In my mind, I have a lot of selfish things I want to voice out. But I don’t. Because they are precisely that, selfish. She deserves this time to be able to travel abroad and be with the Minlay Family #3. She deserves to be able to experience flying an international flight and see sakuras for the first time in her life. She deserves to see her son too who has been away from her for a long time. She deserves this. I know.

So me and Fudra just need to cope. Come up with an action plan perhaps. Then I think, if it is hard for me, then how is it for him? I could not imagine, I may start crying. They’ve had 28yrs behind them and subtracting the years when our dad had to work abroad, they had been inseparable. We’ll cope. Somehow we will.

I’m just sad you know. But this will be my situation when I work abroad myself. I’ll be away from them for about 2-3yrs. I think it’s good we can try it, but it doesn’t mean my heart will break any less.

Hay…

Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for not leaving me, even if the pain I had caused you can make a batallion of men cry. Thank you for the laughter, the smiles. Thank you for holding my hand and hugging me when I needed it most. Thank you for always saying that I make you proud with all the things I’ve achieved in my life thus far. Thank you for all the times, you’ve dusted and picked me up and told me that I can do it. Thank you for not being perfect and allowing me to matter in your life. I’ll not have it any other way. Thank you. I am overwhelmed.